how can u be prego again
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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