I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
