I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
