Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
