Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
