I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
