Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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