fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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