The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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