drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
