Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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