I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just cropdusted the office
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he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
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The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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