community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
my nose is crying tears of wow.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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