Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
