I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
