took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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