God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
