Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
