i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
