i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
