dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
