Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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