I could have mohawked her pubes.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
