you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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