Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
