we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Small penises have feelings too.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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