Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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