ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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