You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
