Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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