the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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