y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm jealous of your bromance
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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