So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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