real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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