You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When did we convert life to cartoon?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I am one with the molecules
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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