Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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