Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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