it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
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Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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