plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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