can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
