Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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