We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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