just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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