Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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