I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
