my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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