Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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