A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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