tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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