please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
