Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
