My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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