Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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