My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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