I'm going to jail i love you
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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