I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize