I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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